Women in Leadership: Why It Is Not Only About Confidence and Assertiveness

Many trainings for women in leadership start with confidence, presence, or “being more assertive”.

That makes sense, because many women experience situations in everyday leadership where they need to position themselves more clearly. They are interrupted, their ideas are picked up later by others, they get less space in meetings, or they feel that their competence has to be proven more strongly.

Then it sounds obvious to say:

• Be more confident.
• Show up more clearly.
• Assert yourself better.
• Speak louder.
• Take up more space.
• Negotiate harder.
• Show more presence.

That can be helpful, but it often does not go far enough.

Because the female leadership role is not only a question of individual presence. It is also embedded in expectations, role models, organizational culture, and unspoken rules about what leadership is supposed to look like.

If trainings only work on helping women adapt to existing leadership norms, an important part remains invisible.

The question is then no longer only:

• How can I assert myself better?

But also:

• What kind of leadership do I actually want to embody?
• Which expectations are influencing me?
• Where am I adapting, even though it does not fit me?
• Where am I holding back, even though I have something to say?
• Where is the issue not only my presence, but also the environment around me?

The problem with focusing only on confidence

Confidence matters, no question.

When you lead, you need inner clarity. You have to make decisions, take a position, give feedback, address conflicts, and stay capable of action even when not everyone agrees.

But when women in leadership repeatedly hear that they mainly need to become more confident, an imbalance can easily arise.

Then it sounds as if the problem lies mainly with them.

As if women only needed to show up more strongly, and then everything would be solved.

It is not that simple.

Many women are already competent, reflective, resilient, and strong leaders. And still, they encounter patterns that do not disappear simply through more confidence.

For example:

• Performance is expected, but made less visible.
• Clarity is more quickly interpreted as harshness.
• Restraint is read as uncertainty.
• Empathy is taken for granted.
• Ambition is observed more critically.
• Mistakes are personalized more strongly.
• Family responsibility is more quickly linked to lower availability.
• Assertiveness is expected, but not always evaluated positively.

This does not mean that individual development is unimportant.

It only means: it is not the whole answer.

Female leadership is not a copy of male leadership

A common thinking mistake is still measuring leadership against old images.

Leadership is then associated with qualities such as:

• loud
• dominant
• always available
• decisive without doubt
• competitive
• assertive
• unaffected by emotions
• always confident
• always present

Many of these images have grown historically, and for a long time they shaped who was perceived as “leadership material”.

For women, this often creates a field of tension.

When they show up very clearly, they are quickly seen as too harsh.
When they lead in a relationship-oriented way, they are quickly seen as too soft.
When they are ambitious, they have to explain themselves.
When they are more reserved, their competence is underestimated.
When they take on a lot of responsibility, it becomes expected.
When they set boundaries, it can feel irritating to others.

That is exhausting, because women are not only leading, they are often also managing expectations.

That is why the key question is not:

• How do I become like a traditional leadership image?

But:

• How do I develop a leadership role that is effective and still fits me?

What female leadership really needs

Female leadership does not only need more confidence. It needs clarity, reflection, strategy, and a healthy way of dealing with power, visibility, and boundaries.

That may sound less catchy than “assert yourself better”, but it is often more sustainable.

Important development areas are:

• knowing your own strengths
• clarifying leadership values
• consciously stepping into the role
• shaping visibility strategically
• setting boundaries
• standing behind decisions
• building networks
• understanding power
• addressing conflicts
• dealing with role expectations
• recognizing inner drivers
• putting self-doubt into perspective
• asking for support

So it is not about becoming a tougher version of yourself.

It is about becoming clearer.

Area 1: Consciously stepping into your leadership role

Many women grow into leadership without internally giving themselves full permission to visibly take on leadership.

They take responsibility, coordinate, solve problems, hold teams together, and make sure things work.

At the same time, they sometimes remain in a mode of:

• I do not want to seem too dominant.
• I do not want to stand out in an unpleasant way.
• I need to perform even more first.
• I want to be perfectly prepared first.
• I do not want to be seen as difficult.
• I hope my work will speak for itself.

The problem: good work does not always speak for itself.

In organizations, impact often only becomes visible when it is named.

Tip: Formulate your leadership role consciously

Ask yourself:

• What do I stand for as a leader?
• What impact do I want to create in the team?
• Which decisions belong to my role?
• Where do I take responsibility without making it visible?
• Where am I still waiting for permission?
• What should become clearer through me?

A helpful sentence can be:

• “I take leadership here by creating orientation, making decisions transparent, and visibly carrying responsibility.”

It does not have to be loud.

But it has to be clear internally.

Area 2: Visibility is not an ego topic

Many women have an ambivalent relationship with visibility.

They do not want to show off.
They do not want to put themselves in the foreground.
They do not want to appear political.
They do not want to only talk about successes.

That is understandable, but in a professional context, visibility is not automatically self-promotion.

Visibility means:

• making contributions understandable
• making responsibility visible
• showing impact
• placing topics
• making competence recognizable
• being approachable for decisions
• shaping influence

Those who are not visible are often not considered.

Not for exciting projects.
Not for promotions.
Not for strategic decisions.
Not for networks.
Not for succession questions.

Tip: Think about visibility in a factual way

Visibility does not have to be loud.

It can be factual, calm, and clear.

For example:

• briefly name results in meetings
• make the team’s contributions visible
• explain your own decisions
• share learning progress
• address risks early
• document successes
• inform stakeholders regularly
• actively bring in your perspective

A good sentence is:

• “I would like to briefly make visible what we have achieved and which decision follows from it.”

This way, visibility does not become self-promotion, but orientation.

Area 3: Assertiveness is not always loudness

Assertiveness is often confused with dominance.

But assertiveness does not mean being louder than others. It means staying clear on important points.

Assertiveness can be calm.

It shows, for example, in:

• not reopening a decision again and again
• setting boundaries
• protecting priorities
• formulating expectations clearly
• not immediately backing down when there is resistance
• not avoiding conflicts
• not talking responsibility away
• representing a position factually

Many women do not need to become “harder”, they need to become clearer about what is not negotiable for them.

Tip: Clarify your non-negotiables

Ask yourself:

• Which values do I not want to give up in leadership?
• Which boundary is crossed often with me?
• On which topics do I back down too quickly?
• Which decision do I need to stand behind more clearly?
• Where do I say yes even though a no is needed?
• Which expectations do I need to formulate more clearly?

Helpful sentences are:

• “I understand the objection, and still the decision stands.”
• “I am open to feedback, but the priority is set.”
• “I cannot commit to that in this form.”
• “For this to work, we need clear responsibilities.”
• “I do not want to decide this between two other things.”

Area 4: Put self-doubt into perspective instead of letting it lead

Many women in leadership know self-doubt.

That does not mean they are unsuitable.

Self-doubt often appears where responsibility increases, expectations are unclear, or one’s own role becomes visible.

It becomes problematic when self-doubt starts leading.

Then, for example:

• decisions are prepared for too long
• contributions are held back in meetings
• successes are minimized
• mistakes are overvalued
• feedback is taken too personally
• opportunities are not taken
• conflicts are avoided
• personal standards become unrealistically high

Self-reflection is important.

But self-criticism is not the same as development.

Tip: Separate feeling from fact

When self-doubt appears, ask yourself:

• What am I feeling right now?
• Which facts support this?
• Which facts speak against it?
• Which experience do I already have?
• What would I say to a colleague in the same situation?
• What is the next professional step?

Helpful sentence:

• “I can feel uncertain and still remain capable of action.”

This reduces the pressure to always feel confident.

Area 5: Setting boundaries is leadership work

Many women take on a lot.

Often not because they have to, but because they are used to seeing responsibility and closing gaps.

That can be a strength.

But it can also lead to women carrying too much for too long.

For example:

• emotional work in the team
• informal coordination
• conflict calming
• additional communication
• invisible organizational work
• mentoring on the side
• stepping in at short notice
• quality assurance
• relationship management

Much of this is valuable, but often not very visible.

And when it becomes expected, overload appears.

Tip: Make invisible work visible

Ask yourself:

• Which tasks do I regularly take on additionally?
• Which of them really belong to my role?
• Which should be distributed?
• Which are not seen?
• Where do I step in even though others should carry responsibility?
• What would happen if I did not automatically take it on?

Helpful sentences are:

• “This is important, but I cannot take it on additionally.”
• “Who is officially responsible for this?”
• “I see the need, but we need to distribute the task properly.”
• “I can support, but I cannot compensate permanently.”
• “This belongs in prioritization, not on top of everything else.”

Setting boundaries is not a lack of team spirit.

It is a requirement for sustainable leadership.

Area 6: Networks are not a nice-to-have

Many women focus strongly on performance.

Good work. Good results. Good preparation.

That matters, but in organizations, performance alone is often not enough.

Influence also develops through relationships, visibility, and access to information.

Networks help with:

• learning about opportunities early
• receiving support
• gathering perspectives
• placing strategic topics
• finding sponsors
• expanding your own impact
• not staying alone

Networking is sometimes perceived as superficial.

But understood well, networking is not small talk for the sake of small talk.

It is relationship-building with professional relevance.

Tip: Build your network strategically and humanly

Ask yourself:

• Who should know my work better?
• Who decides on relevant topics?
• Who can give me honest feedback?
• Who can open doors?
• Whom can I support?
• Which contacts do I maintain too little?
• Where do I need sparring?

Practical steps:

• contact one relevant person per week
• send targeted follow-ups after meetings
• place your own topics visibly
• use internal communities
• distinguish mentors from sponsors
• do not seek exchange only when you need something

A good sentence is:

• “I would like to hear your perspective on this topic, because it is relevant for my next leadership decision.”

Area 7: Understand power without bending yourself

Many people do not like talking about power.

Women in particular are often socialized not to show power too openly or not to claim it too strongly.

But leadership without an understanding of power remains limited.

Power does not automatically mean dominance or manipulation.

Power means:

• influencing decisions
• distributing resources
• setting priorities
• making topics visible
• shaping conditions
• protecting people
• enabling development
• carrying responsibility

If you only see power negatively, you often use it too little.

And then others shape the environment.

Tip: Understand power as a shaping force

Ask yourself:

• Which decision spaces do I have?
• Which resources can I influence?
• Which topics can I set?
• Whom can I protect or strengthen?
• Which expectations can I clarify?
• Where do I use my influence too little?
• Where do I confuse restraint with fairness?

A helpful thought:

• Power is not the problem. What matters is what it is used for, and how.

Area 8: Female leadership does not need perfect balance

Many women in leadership face high expectation pressure.

They are expected to be clear, but not harsh.
Empathetic, but not too soft.
Ambitious, but not selfish.
Confident, but approachable.
Assertive, but likeable.
Flexible, but resilient.
Successful, but not too demanding.

That is contradictory.

And sometimes it cannot be fully resolved.

That is why it is important not to try to meet every expectation.

Leadership also means tolerating tension.

Tip: Do not avoid every irritation

Ask yourself:

• Am I trying to please everyone right now?
• Which expectation am I fulfilling automatically?
• Which expectation does not fit my role?
• Which irritation is necessary?
• Where is clarity more important than approval?
• What would be professional, even if not everyone likes it?

A good sentence is:

• “I am aware that this decision is not comfortable for everyone, and still I believe it is the right one.”

Area 9: Develop your own leadership identity

In the end, it is not about playing a role.

It is about developing your own leadership identity.

It can be clear, empathetic, strategic, calm, direct, cooperative, or decisive.

Or all of these, depending on the situation.

What matters is that it is conscious.

Ask yourself:

• How do I want to lead?
• Which strengths do I bring?
• Which patterns hold me back?
• Which expectations influence me?
• What kind of power do I want to use?
• How do I want to be visible?
• Where do I want to become braver?
• Which boundaries do I need?
• What impact should my leadership create?

Tip: Formulate your leadership statement

Write down three sentences:

• I lead effectively when …
• In leadership, I want to stand for …
• Going forward, I will pay more conscious attention to …

Example:

• I lead effectively when I create clarity, share responsibility, and enable development.
• In leadership, I want to stand for commitment, trust, and fair visibility.
• Going forward, I will pay more conscious attention to naming my contributions and boundaries more clearly.

This is not a finished mission statement.

It is an inner compass.

Practical tips for women in leadership

1. Speak about performance and impact

Do not wait for everyone to recognize your work by themselves.

Make visible:

• what was achieved
• what contribution you made
• what impact was created
• which decision follows from it
• which next steps matter

2. Practice clear sentences

Clarity needs language.

Helpful phrases are:

• “My assessment is …”
• “I recommend option A because …”
• “I see a risk here.”
• “I would like to bring about a decision.”
• “This is my boundary.”
• “For this, we need prioritization.”
• “I take responsibility for this next step.”

3. Take space without apologizing

Pay attention to patterns like:

• “I do not know if this fits right now, but …”
• “Maybe this is a stupid question …”
• “I am not sure, but …”
• “Just briefly …”
• “Sorry, I only wanted to …”

Better:

• “I would like to add one point.”
• “My question is …”
• “I see a different perspective here.”
• “I would like to briefly put this into context.”
• “From my perspective, what matters here is …”

4. Look not only for mentors, but for sponsors

Mentors give advice.

Sponsors open doors.

Both matter.

Ask yourself:

• Who knows my work?
• Who speaks about me when I am not in the room?
• Who can recommend me for opportunities?
• Who can create visibility for me?
• Who trusts my leadership ability?

5. Make expectations explicit

Many conflicts arise from unspoken expectations.

Clarify:

• What is expected of me in this role?
• Which decision-making space do I have?
• What has priority?
• How is success measured?
• What support do I receive?
• Which expectations are realistic?

6. Build a clear no

A no does not have to be harsh.

It can be professional.

For example:

• “I cannot take this on additionally right now.”
• “I can deliver option A or B, but not both in parallel.”
• “For this, we would need to shift another priority.”
• “I see the need, but this does not belong to my role.”
• “I would like to clarify first who carries responsibility for this.”

7. Reflect on your role regularly

Take 20 minutes once a month.

Ask yourself:

• Where was I clear?
• Where did I hold myself back?
• Where did I take on too much?
• Where did I create impact?
• Where do I need support?
• Where should I become more visible?
• Which boundary did I not set?

Mini check: Where do I stand in my leadership role?

I am clear in my leadership role when …

• I can make and stand behind decisions
• I make my impact visible
• I know my boundaries
• I can ask for feedback without making myself small
• I do not permanently avoid conflicts
• I use my strengths consciously
• I ask for support
• I become visible without bending myself

I should take a closer look when …

• I constantly take on more than others
• I minimize my successes
• I often wait for permission
• I avoid clear positions
• I apologize for taking space
• I immediately take feedback personally
• I neglect networks
• I think good work should always speak for itself

Conclusion

Many trainings for women in leadership focus on confidence, presence, and assertiveness.

That is not wrong.

But it is not enough.

Women do not only need training in becoming louder or harder. They need spaces where they can consciously develop their leadership role.

This includes:

• recognizing their own strengths
• not confusing visibility with self-promotion
• setting clear boundaries
• understanding power as a shaping force
• using networks strategically
• putting self-doubt into perspective
• questioning expectations
• developing their own leadership identity

Female leadership does not need to be a copy of old leadership images.

• It can be clear.
• It can be empathetic.
• It can be strategic.
• It can be power-aware.
• It can be visible.
• It can be uncomfortable.
• It can be effective.

The most important step is therefore not:

• “How do I fit better into the existing image of leadership?”

But:

• “How do I lead in a way that makes me effective, without taking myself out of my own leadership role?”